Pairing: Xiuris (Xiumin/Kris)
Rating: PG - 13
Summary: The flower naturally grows near the river that flows with love and patience. It is happy and content near the wide expanse of water that drifts downstream. The river needs the flower, it finds it too beautiful to let go. It give whatever it has to make sure the flower and can bloom.
A/N: thirty...or three oh! you know! hehe...
Yay new chapter!
Can you feel the end coming? can you? I can~
Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!
I started having nightmares again.
I started waking up in a rushed panic, looking for something and bursting in to tears when I couldn't find it. My hands would reach out blindly and find nothing but cold air.
For about three months, maybe five, I continued to spring out of my sleep in the middle of the night and break down in to a fit. Jongdae would lead my outside quietly to let Rui sleep and sit next to me until I was calm.
With what little Thai Jongdae had learned from Yixing, we were able to find a small cramped room to stay in. For weeks the three of us slept together in the corner of the room, shared a bathroom with two other families, and ate whatever we could work for. Usually Jongdae worked hard labor, and I did things like cleaning houses and cooking food for nearby families.
We saved up money bit by bit, and eventually had enough to buy a bigger room with a bathroom to ourselves. But the whole time the nightmares came, the whole time my pain was being held back. And I found that I started to lose my voice. I stopped talking like I used to, I stopped smiling and laughing.
At night when I dreamed, I dreamed of Wu Fan. I dreamed of his arms around me and of his eyes looking down on me. I dreamed and yearned to see him again. But then I'd wake up. And I cried, because they were only ever dreams, or nightmares.
Jongdae was proud the day he was able to purchase a tiny little house for us. The bedroom was attached to the kitchen space, and it was made of bamboo, but there was plenty of room and it was cozy. It was located in a small community of other foreign families. They were all friendly in helping us get settled and helping us find work. We followed Jongin's instructions and began introducing ourselves by different names. Jongdae went by Chen, and I went by Xiumin. Jongdae picked up their languages faster than I, but eventually I was able to communicate with the locals easily enough. We settled in, Rui started going to school, and the nightmares finally ceased.
But my smile didn't return for another five months or so. All together I went on for about a year like that; I had no smile to show, a strong hope to hold to and anxiety killing me every second of the day. I leaned on Jongdae for everything, he was stronger than me. He was after all the one who would nudge me out of my lost trance to pay attention to my son. Rui got very big very quickly. He became taller, his head almost reaching my waist. I tried so hard to smile for him. Most of the time I just ended up hugging him tightly to my chest and humming softly.
I wondered where Wu Fan was every day. I wondered if that day he would show up, if I would be able to be held in his arms again. The longing I had to be wrapped tightly in his embrace made my stomach turn.
So a whole year went by. And nothing came. No letter, no person, nothing.
I began to wonder if I should let go. I began to wonder if I should have held on to his wedding ring.
“Everything will be alright in the end.” Jongdae told me one morning. We were up before the sun had risen like usual. We were so used to rising early, so used to getting up and starting the day with a gray and blue sky. Jongdae would have to leave in a few hours down to the coast and start fishing. It had taken a long while for the other fishermen to trust him. I think they assumed that Jongdae was my lover and we had a child together, therefore letting him work with to provide for us.
I turned to him with a soft stare, confused by what he was saying. He smiled gently at me and sighed,
“Yixing used to tell me that all the time. Everything will be alright in the end, and if it is not alright then its not the end yet.”
If everything was not alright, then this wasn't the end. This wasn't the end for me or for my son.
I smiled at him, and I thanked him for everything.
~ ~ ~
The second year of waiting for Wu Fan I did much better. I was almost fluent in Thai and I could even pick out some Northern Thai I heard spoken by the locals. While Rui went to school Jongdae and I worked hard to make our lives better. We still had the small bamboo house, but we had a steady income and we felt like our lives were moving on.
I cleaned houses for a living, I had a little cart I pushed around with all of my cleaning supplies as I went from house to house asking if they wanted it cleaned for cheap. Jongdae continued fishing out in the sea, he'd become close with the other men and was able to buy his own boat to make a better profit. We were growing, we were getting better, and I was starting to sleep easier.
I started smiling again and laughing at small things.
I didn't think of Wu Fan so often, I thought of my home and how hard I had to work for it. I focused on my son and made sure he had everything he needed.
Rui grew some more, he got both taller and smarter. And when I he got smarter, things starting coming to light. And that was when the question I never wanted to hear came along.
“I remember Papa still.” he voiced one night while I was trying to get him to sleep. My hand froze over his forehead and my eyes widened. My son's black eyes started at me calmly.
“But only a little bit.” he whispered as an after thought. I stayed quiet, not sure of where this conversation was going. My son sat up from his blankets and scooted closer to me.
“What happened to him?” he asked. I'd always feared that question. I'd always been horrified at the thought of hearing that question leave Rui's lips. And there it was.
“He...left.” I said as I ran my fingers through Rui's black hair. Rui leaned on to me.
“Where is he now?” my baby continued. I felt the pain growing in my stomach. The longing I'd pushed back started to simmer in my heart.
“I...I don't know.” I sighed. I felt tears pricking my eyes and I hoped Rui couldn't see them.
“Is he coming back?” Rui's voice became tiny and I knew he could in fact see that I was about to cry.
“I don't know.” I answered honestly. I quickly kissed him goodnight and left to be alone outside.
~ ~ ~
“What if its just you and me forever? Would you be okay with that?” Jongdae's question threw me for a loop and I stared at him in shock.
It was coming close to the two year mark, and in my deepest thoughts I was starting to lose hope.
What if Wu Fan didn't come back to me? Even though he'd promised...what if?
Jongdae turned to me slowly and reached for my hand carefully. We sat in front of our house, it was late at night and Rui was fast asleep.
“You've never considered it all together? The possibility that they're never coming back?” he asked in a soft voice. I couldn't believe I was hearing this. From the man I'd seen beg Yixing to hold him for a second longer, who'd cried long that me on the boat away from Hawaii. This man was stronger than I was, he had given me hope. Hadn't he?
“Dae, how could you say that?” my brow creased in bewilderment. Jongdae closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath as his voice broke.
“Don't get me wrong, I love Yixing with everything I am. But I'm tired of waiting everyday. I hate secretly searching every face that passes by me. Minseok, aren't you tired of having to deal with the pain every day? Isn't it easier to give up and lose hope? There's no disappointment that way...”
I stared at him in shock because I agreed with everything he was saying. But that small thread of hope was so strong I just didn't want to let go. Jongdae's cheeks were wet with tears as he started to cry heavily and grip my hand tighter.
“Sometime I think we should have just followed Jongin and Luhan. I feel like we're just stranded here, waiting for nothing! I'm trying to hold on to the image of Yixing, and to think about him everyday because I love him right? But what if I'm tired of feeling disappointed at the end of everyday, and I want to move on? Does that mean I don't love him? Because I do love him Minseok but I don't want to feel this pain anymore I just...”
I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry in to my shoulder. We both cried together.
We were feeling the same way, only Jongdae was better at hiding it.
After that night we decided to stop hoping. We decided to treat each day like a new day, but no waiting. It was just me, Jongdae and Rui living in Thailand and making a life for ourselves.
A few more weeks went by, and our life wasn't too bad. I only stared at my wedding ring once a day, and the rest I spent smiling and pretending. Life wasn't too bad. I let go of my hope and I let go of the longing I had. I cut the string of hope ruthlessly and moved on.
I was sure then that I was never going to see Wu Fan again. It hurt, but I knew we'd loved each other, and I had little to no regrets of the life we'd shared. I quietly put away our time together in my head. I was ready to let Wu Fan and that life in Hawaii go completely. It was going to be another chapter in my life and I was ready to start a new one.
But then early one morning, a soft knock came to our door.
Oh hello? I wonder who it could be~!
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Hope you enjoyed ^^