Pairing: Xiuris (Xiumin/Kris)
Rating: PG - 13
Summary: The flower naturally grows near the river that flows with love and patience. It is happy and content near the wide expanse of water that drifts downstream. The river needs the flower, it finds it too beautiful to let go. It give whatever it has to make sure the flower and can bloom.
A/N: uuuuh yea chapter nineteen. here we go, to and fro..hoe.
*Note the following scene takes place in the present. there is no break to the journal form which is why all the text is italic. Also there is a song that goes with this chapter, look at the end of this for the link!! Hope you enjoy! Also I listened to Heart of Stone by Iko while writing this chapter. You can listen to it HERE if you'd like. Thank you!*
They both sat quietly on the floor, across from each other in the kitchen. The cold air around them didn't bother, it added to the silent and depressed state they were in.
They'd been up since the night before, exchanging harsh words over and over again. It was early morning now, the sun was slowly lighting up the gray sky. The whole world seemed gray, matching the color of their tried eyes.
With their argument lasting so long, their bodies were wiped out, they felt like couldn't move from here. They were stuck in this place, a point of no return. They'd thrashed it out and uncovered issues that made them crumble. Down to the floor they fell with broken hearts and shattered minds, stuck on the kitchen floor and waiting for the next move. They couldn't move past this, they couldn't just drop it this time. If they did, their wold would tumble downhill like it once had. If they left this place, the progress they'd made would be lost. They were so close, to falling back in love again. To be in love the way they once were. But that one thing was still being held over their heads, swinging back and forth and keeping them at bay. There was this giant wall that seemed to be made of water that separated them. It suffocated their minds, making them cloudy and meek. It was strong, but they could see through it. They saw everything that was wrong, but until now hadn't dared to try and swim through it. But now they'd spent the previous night dipping in to it, taking in the waves. All the pain was out in the open now. It had to be dealt with. So they could fall back in love. So they could find some sort of paradise like they'd had before.
“When did you stop trusting me?” Kris asked. His hair had been pushed back with frustrated hands, the skin under his eyes was darkening. Even though he was built tall and had a good amount of muscle, he seemed frail while leaning against a wall. His head had fallen back because his mind need a breath of air before continuing. But he knew this needed to continue. He wanted his husband back, the man he'd fallen in love with some many years ago.
“When you lied to me.” Minseok replied. His voice showed how tired he was. Not physically tired, with all the adrenaline slowly coursing through his body he was wide awake. No he was tired of this; he was tired of the wall of water that had been slowly pulling him under and drowning him. He'd suppressed a deep secret, a deep insecurity. Or so he thought. Of course Kris had known this whole time, but like usual never said anything. It's not like Minseok wanted to listen. He hated hearing things that hurt, that sometimes were the truth. He even hated hearing the truth from himself. But he was exhausted now, this had dragged on too long. It had destroyed everything they'd had. He was ready for everything to be done with. Minseok wanted the wall gone, he was ready to breath again. He wanted his husband back.
Kris locked his jaw, not wanting to ask but knowing he had to. If he asked, he was admitting to it, he was admitting the wrong he'd done to Minseok. He would be acknowledging that everything was his fault. The downward spiral of their life was his fault. In his deepest thoughts he had always know it had been his fault. That letter...
“Which lie?” he asked. He could see out of the corner of his eye the way Minseok's head shot up in surprise. Staring at him for a long moment. He probably had tears in his eyes. Yes, this was something they'd never talked about. Something they'd buried under all their other issues.
With small tears forming, Minseok chocked out warily, “The first one. I stopped trusting you then.”
“You trusted me enough to raise our son though...” Kris didn't want to meet Minseok's precise gaze. He was trying to keep that wall of water between them up. He was afraid of what would be on the other side. He would have to admit to it. Everything was his fault. He was the scumbag that hadn't sent the letter, that had lied, that had ruined everything.
“That was different. You love Rui.” the sound of Minseok's wavering voice made the tightness in Kris's chest choke him. He didn't want to feel this. But he had too. He wanted Minseok back.
“And this whole time, you weren't sure if I loved you?” Kris asked. It had started from the first lie. Like the dangerous river that use to flow next to their old home. The rain had come pouring down, Kris's first lie had began filling it up steadily. And even though Minseok had forgiven then, he hadn't forgotten. And he'd never truly let it go. The river had continued to rise, rapidly and pushing him away. Yes Minseok was the flower being drowned by the river that was Kris. The seed of doubt had probably stemmed back then too, digging deep and rooting itself in Minseok's fear and insecurity. He'd been so afraid to be married off, so afraid of the new life laid out before him. And just when he'd thought everything was going to be alright, the lie had been unveiled.
When new of Tao had arrived, it only added to everything. It only made the seed stronger, and the flower that was Minseok felt overwhelmed. The distrust in his river was justified. In Minseok's mind, Kris could never be fully trusted. Minseok was so insecure, he'd been waiting for the time to tell himself “I told you so.”
Yes, the whole time after Kris's first lie, Minseok had never been sure if there was true love.
“I believe you now. I know you love me, but...” he could feel the pain he'd been holding back. He had to pry this out of himself, he couldn't just forget it this time.
“But you still don't trust me.” Kris sighed. His husband had a right to not trust him. It was all his fault. Kris had done this. He could change his name as many times as he wanted to, it was still he that had fucked up their paradise and their family.
“I knew you loved me when you...” Minseok had to swallow back the tears trying to get out, the choking pain in the back of his throat made the tears intensify. Thinking back to that moment...when Kris...Wu Fan...
when his husband had made that rational decision. The seconds when his husband was willing to give up his powerful morals in order to save Minseok. He could never forget that.
“I want to trust you again. I love you. But I still need to know why you didn't send that letter. You told me you did. You stood in front of me and lied, gave me hope that everything was going to be fine.” Minseok felt the steady flow of tears stinging his eyes as he spoke. He felt Kris finally looking at him from the other side of the room.
“and then you even acted like you were surprised that she showed up. You acted like you didn't know. And I had to find out from her? She was the one to tell me that you'd never—that you never...” he had to close his eyes because the pain was overwhelming. Why couldn't Kris stop lying to him? Why couldn't he just tell the truth? That wasn't a part of the man Minseok had fallen in love with. The man he loved didn't lie to him. He was supposed to always try and do the right thing.
“You were never going to listen to me. You were going to let her die. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I just let her die.” Kris defended and confessed.
“So you lied? You sent the letter, just so she could come and ruin everything? Ruin us?” Minseok's anger escaped his lips quickly. And suddenly they weren't so close to falling in love again. Sure there was no wall of water, but there were flames that tore them apart. The fire grew rapidly and began to engulf whatever it could.
“She would have died! You weren't listening to me! You were being selfish Minseok! You didn't take in to account what I felt about my friend, that I needed to protect her! You would of let Tao die!” Kris roared from his side of the room. He ignored his own tears as he screamed. But Minseok's words put him back in his place. And he remembered how everything was his fault. It was all his fault. He should of sent that letter.
“So instead you let others die?! That was your plan?! I told you not to let Tao come, I fucking told you! And you didn't send it! Wu Fan you didn't send the letter and now everything we had, people we love are gone because of you!” Minseok screamed at the top of his lungs. By the end of his sentence he was sobbing, holding himself and falling back to pieces.
Kris couldn't retaliate. Minseok was right. If Kris had sent the letter...
He held his own face in his hands, crying silently. He'd never wanted this. He wanted their old life back. But he couldn't have it back.
Everything was his fault.